Do you ever find yourself saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, spilling coffee on your shirt or sharing a little too much about yourself in public, only to replay the moment over and over in your head? If so, you may feel cringey. Although being socially awkward isn’t considered a disorder, when a strange moment happens in public, it can be uncomfortable or downright embarrassing.
Dr. Amy Van Hecke is a professor of psychology in the Klingler College of Arts and Sciences — she says it may feel like you’re the only person in the world who feels awkward in a social setting, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
“Everyone feels awkward at some point, but our gaffes are actually noticed only a very small percentage of the time,” Van Hecke explains.
Since social gatherings are not always avoidable, Van Hecke recommends to “practice, practice, practice, and give yourself some grace.” She says anyone can feel awkward, even extroverted people who make being in front of a new audience look natural.
Below, Van Hecke shares five easy ways to conquer awkwardness one step at a time.
- Know that you are not the only one who feels this way.
In the moment, it may seem like the thing you said or how you approached a group was a heinous social offense. Rest assured, there is a phenomenon known as the “imaginary audience,” which explains that we all feel like everyone is always watching and noticing our gaffes. Try asking someone you trust if they noticed something you are worried about, that you said or did. Most of the time, they will have no idea what you are talking about. If someone did notice, the best thing you can do is to own it and genuinely apologize. This will stop the train of ruminating and feeling worse about yourself and will convey to others that you are a human trying to be the best version of yourself.
- Find your people.
Often, we feel awkward when we’re around people or in situations that make us feel unsure. This is our biology trying to keep us safe — the precursor to the fight/flight instinct. Your body is trying to determine if you are safe, and unfamiliar people and places feel iffy. But biology can backfire when we never quite feel comfortable and end up avoiding interactions in anticipation of feeling uncomfortable. The solution is to actively seek out people and places that make you feel comfortable. What are your interests? Join a club or group where you have something already in common with others in the circle.
- Keep calm and carry on.
When you’re meeting with a new club or group for the first time, breathing techniques and self-affirmations are two things that can help center yourself. Breathing is great because it links to your nervous system. It will calm your heart rate and blood pressure. My grad students like box breathing. There are some cool apps and YouTube tutorials on how to do this. Self-affirmation is just telling or visualizing yourself succeeding at interacting with others. Our mind is powerful, and seeing yourself having a good time with others can lead to exactly this outcome. And if it still is awkward, give yourself some grace that you tried, shrug and try again next time.
- Practice makes perfect.
Social interaction is a muscle. It’s been a hard five years, and we’re all in need of some social strength training. Rather than avoid others because you feel awkward, just try it. Try to do something social, outside of your home, at least once a week. In America, we also work too hard and are often exhausted by the end of the day. Try to carve out time for socializing, even if you’re tired. The impact of social interaction is so strong that I’ve often joked that doctors should make a prescription of it. People who have higher quality social relationships even live longer. Your social health is important and needs as much attention as your physical health. With that said, people do differ in how much social interaction they need to feel fulfilled. Some people need less; some, more.
- Deepen relationships that are meaningful.
Ultimately, the positive health benefits from social interaction stem from high-quality friendships and interactions — meaning those where we feel emotionally connected and supported. This takes time, effort and some risk to develop. About half our social overtures do not pan out into friendships. This is normal. But the other half, just like a plant, needs watering. We have learned a lot about making friendships from our work with autistic children, adolescents and adults. What we’ve learned is that friendships take effort and follow a pattern for all people. That cool person you met at the club or class you joined: strike up a conversation with them. Ask them questions about themselves. Over time, you should get their contact info and connect with them outside the club or class. Set up a time to get coffee or lunch. It takes time, but it’s worth it.
