As a new academic year begins, it’s not just new students who experience a major transition when they move away from home — parents feel it too.
Dr. Lynne Knobloch-Fedders, associate professor of counselor education and counseling psychology in the College of Education, explains that a parent’s life is changed instantaneously and dramatically when a child leaves for college. “Even though parenting isn’t a daily task anymore, your role as a parent is still important — it has just been transformed,” Knobloch-Fedders says. “Your child still needs your love, support and nurturance more than ever, but now in a different way.”
It is normal for parents to feel a mix of conflicting emotions during this major developmental milestone, including pride in their child’s growing independence, excitement over the opportunities that lie ahead, fear of the unknown, worry that their child might not be able to handle the new responsibilities that college brings, turmoil at the disruption of longstanding routines, grief at the loss of their child’s daily presence at home, and loneliness due to the separation. All these emotions are healthy, normal and expected during this transition.
In a Q&A, Knobloch-Fedders shares some comforting words and practical advice to manage this transition.
What is parental separation anxiety, and how does it manifest itself?
Parental separation anxiety — or persistent worry, fear or anxiety parents experience when separated from their children — is experienced by many parents during this period. These painful feelings might be heightened for some parents with underlying sensitivities, such as those who are prone to experiencing depression, anxiety or other mental health symptoms. If these emotions become overwhelming, prevent you from managing your day-to-day life in a healthy way or last longer than a month or two, it might be appropriate to seek support from a mental health professional.
What are healthy ways to cope with the feelings of emptiness or loneliness after a child leaves the house?
The first healthy strategy is for parents to acknowledge their feelings and accept them as they are. When parents blame themselves for their feelings or tell themselves they “shouldn’t” feel a certain way, this self-criticism often compounds their emotional distress. Other healthy strategies for coping with this transition include developing new routines, making sure to get adequate sleep, exercise and nutrition; connecting with trusted friends and family members; investing in new interests or hobbies; keeping a journal; and seeking support from other parents who have experienced this transition.
How do I maintain a strong connection with my child without overstepping boundaries?
It’s important to follow your child’s lead regarding what they need. Parents are hardwired to protect their children, but this protectiveness needs to be appropriately tailored to the child’s age and stage.
For college students, checking in on them constantly can prevent them from developing independence, self-reliance and problem-solving skills. To guard against that, parents should remind themselves that one of the best ways they can protect their young adult children now is to protect them against dependency — and really allow them the freedom to flourish.
Your child will certainly make mistakes in college — no parent is ever going to be able to prevent that. Remember, though, that their mistakes are essential opportunities for them to learn how to be resilient adults.
What is a healthy frequency for communication while they’re away?
It might be helpful to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your child before move-in day, so each of you can define what you want your relationship to look like during this new phase. What methods of communication will work best and how often should you check in? Remember, though, that this conversation is just to lay the preliminary groundwork — your child might need you more (or less) than originally expected, so make sure you both are prepared for that.
What positive changes have you seen in parents who successfully navigate this transition?
Parents who successfully navigate this transition often take advantage of the many opportunities to devote their extra time and energy into fulfilling pursuits, including deepening their relationship with their spouse or partner, learning a new skill, engaging in volunteer work, or tackling those projects they never had time for during the daily routine of parenting.
